Talk about enturbulaton . . .

This has to be giving Li'l Davy some sleepless nights. Famed for his Borderline Personality Disorder induced paranoia, Miscavige must be viewing everyone with suspicion now. What a sad little man . . . that and he has to live in Hemet.

Jenna Miscavige Hill is Courage Incarnate

For all of us wog critics, we think it must be so cool for those waking up in the cult to speak out against $cientology and leave. Well, this link shows that while it may be empowering and freeing, it's definitely not fun. This woman and her husband have to choose between family and integrity. Something that a child should never have to do. This choice that Jenna and Dallas have made must be painful in a way that those of us not involved in $cientology can't imagine.
Her grace under enormous pressure is amazing to watch, as is Kendra's and Astra's. These women are making a huge difference and All MEST Up salutes them and their work.

In their own "scripture" . . .

As I always say, criticism of $cientology is never as effective as their own words and actions . . .

This scary tidbit is from the newly uploaded OSA documents of Frank Oliver which can be found here.

Anonymous Pulls it Off. Well Done You (All)!

Though I had my fears of ill-mannered shit-disturbers taking the day, the masses of respectful protesters that showed up around the world proved me wrong. Three cheers for worldwide civil disobedience and cheeky attitude. The images from around the globe showed a strong turnout and more than a little creativity. Our San Francisco protest was a great but I wish I could have been in L.A. to see a decidedly maskless Tory surrounded by her posse of dashing V-men.


The Church of Xenu Ascendant of the Latter Day Thetans salutes your enturbulation success.

So THAT'S why he gives me the creeps . . .

I'm a latecomer to "Lost" but I now count myself among its many fans. I know he's the bad guy, but that Ben guy totally creeps me out and I mean way more than the other fairly creepy bad guy characters on the show and I wondered why until it hit me . . .

He's clearly Li'l Davey's long lost brother, that's why those trendy Indiana Jones wannabe hipsters are after him. He knows where all the $cientology skeletons are buried! Man, this just gets better and better.

The Entheta is flying . . .

With Cruise's latest bit of Kult Krazy™ in wide release, the entheta is flying fast and furious in the mainstream media and it's open season on the cult, so why aren't I delighted? I certainly want Miscavige and his cronies brought to some kind of justice. I want people to feel free to write about the "church" and Hubbard without fear of being buried in Kobrin-grams or having Eugene Ingram breathing down their neck. Personally, I just like mocking Hubbard and his batshit crazy "tech", but I'm feeling uneasy.

What's giving me this gnawing anxiety is the growing lynch mob mentality of late, mostly fomented by Anonymous' plan to attack $cientology's servers which quickly spread from the digital to the anolog world. Surely this would be fun, right? Plucky underdogs nipping at the bloated bureaucracy of the cult, striking blows for free-speech and liberty. That should fill me with glee, right? There are many thoughtful Anonymous members to be sure, but sadly, what is coming out of the woodwork is more like a pack of juvenile Hubbards who clearly don't get out of their parent's basements enough. These rogue shit-disturbers seem to be filled with anger and stupidity and they're playing directly into OSA's hands. The fake anthrax envelopes, the "Honk if you hate Scientology" signs and calls for sabotaging church property all sound like the tactics of OSA at the height of Hubbard's paranoia.

The problem with anarchy is that it only works when everybody is a responsible, smart adult. When you throw out an open call for action, you're gonna get nut-cases who just want to smash some shit and they don't care who gets hurt or what the consequences are. This is never a good idea. One huge difference between Anonymous and OSA is that OSA is run with an iron fist, and that everything is planned down to the last detail. Okay, the OSA plan may be a complete foot-bullet-clusterfuck (it usually is), but at least there won't be any "rogue-element" surprises along the way.

Attacking them isn't the way to get at them folks . . . you have to reveal them in all their space-opera glory. Don't be a censor and try to stop people from reading Hubbard's crap . . . encourage them to read it! Get them a copy of the hilarious "A History of Man" or highlight the tone-scale stuff in "Dianetics" about eliminating gays "without sorrow". Get them to watch Tom Cruise go off the deep end on Gawker. Have them watch one of the cult's creepy recruiting films. For in-depth research, send folks to xenu.net or cultnews.net. Then there's parody: Southpark has proven that you'll get way more results with some smart mockery or parody than you will with an attack on the poor shchmucks in the church who are the very people we're trying to wake up. How about Hubbard in his own words? My song "What's the Matter With You Hat?" (mad props to Karl for the video) is a fun primer on interplanetary travel and tanning in the Van Allen belts. If you're itching for confrontation, head down to your local org or mission and picket . . . politely. Don't give them any ammunition about how awful and evil critics are. Remember, all the preclears see is the happy, shiny Scientology that teaches and helps people. They see the smiling face, not the greedy, manipulative, paranoid cult.

For a daily dose of sanity, check in on Mark Bunker's great blog. He's been on the front of this battle for years and has great perspective on the whole thing. For all the media circus around the cult right now, there are still millions of folks who really don't know anything about the CoS, so there is still a need to speak out. I believe the critic's job is to get the uniformed direct access to the crazy stuff before they can be love-bombed into parting with all their money and brainwashed into believing all their troubles stem from being covered with Xenu's space cooties.

Things I Wish I'd Thought Of: Nº234

Man, this site is hilarious. Not since the great Lana Diane has there been such a great $cientology parody site.

Li'l Davy, Life of the Party!

Evidently Fearless Leader David Miscavige is no ball of fire on the dance floor. At the big recruitment, er . . . I mean welcome party for Becks and Old Spice hosted by Dr. Goebbels and his warbride, the Commodore evidently sat out most of the cupcake-fueled festivities . . . creepy indeed.

Xenu . . . The Musical!

I am so stoked. The lucky folks attending Scotland's Edinburgh Fringe Festival are going to be treated to what will certainly be the toast of Teegeeack's 2007 theatrical season . . . Xenu Is Loose!

I really hope they write Goaty™ into the script to reflect the founding events of the Church of Xenu Ascendant of the Latter Day Thetans™ . . . no, really. . . I'm a prophet . . . I'm going to freekin' make MILLLIONS!!!

Xenu and his pal . . . Goaty!

In the tradition of Prophets throughout time, I have received new scriptures for $cientology's canon. Muhammad got the Q'uran from the archangel Gabriel, Joseph Smith got his magic glasses and plates from the angel Moroni, but my new $cientology scriptures came from down below . . . they came from my dog, the holy pughuahua.

It began, as these things do, on an ordinary day . . . doing ordinary things. I was strolling through the 'hood last week and I noticed that my dog had picked up a strange object that he was guarding jealously, it was a small plastic figure I knew in a flash of blinding light represented Xenu of Marcab. I was stunned. Such revelations usually involve some burning shrubbery or at least a talking salamander, but mine came suddenly and and unexpectedly through my demi-pug prophet.

As the now holy dog released the precious statuette to my trembling hand, I noticed that he was already on the hunt for something else. Possessed, as if by some invisible force, he pulled mightily at the leash heading right for Mrs. Bordenaro's temptingly lush lawn. This usually means he's about to drop one of his nasty little acid-green steamers on the sidewalk . . . but not this time. Possessed by unseen forces, he lunged under a juniper bush and emerged proudly carrying a small, plastic farm animal, and suddenly, I knew who's awful visage I gazed upon . . . and I swear to you, this really happened, my little dog laid the figurine at my feet and spoke to me in a voice reminiscent of Mercedes McCambridge on helium, "Behold Goaty the Terrible, companion of Xenu and slayer of untold billions!" To be honest, I nearly shat my knickers.

Later that night, I was filled with an urgent, burning desire (to be honest, it may have been Mrs. Wu's totally flamin' Kung Pao chicken I had for lunch). I worked feverishly into the wee hours, scanning the holy action figures into Photoshop™, awakening the next morning to to discover that I had created the first portrait of Xenu and Goaty together in Xenu's electronic mountain trap.

Tremble mortals, tremble.

Happy Art™

Imagine the world with only "happy" artists. Evidently the owner of London's A Gallery has. No Francis Bacon. No Pollock. No Van Gough. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not wish a miserable life on anyone, even if it was packed with creativity. Should someone seek help if they're addicted or depressed? Certainly. Great artists like Bacon and Pollock, had they sought help for their woes, might have created even greater masterpieces as a result of that process. At least they might have lived longer to produce more work.

My contempt for L. Ron Hubbard and his "work" is seemingly inexhaustible—but I reserve special contempt for his quack antidrug/anticrime "therapies" which are totally unproven by any peer-reviewed process. His insane paranoia of all things psychiatric certainly didn't stop him from stealing liberally from Freud, Jung and other pioneers of psychiatry. Unfortunately he was just a hack writer, so the ultimate effect of his cribbing functional therapeutic ideas was analogous to stealing a few parts of a 747 and expecting to ferry 400 people across the Atlantic with them. Your "plane" wouldn't fly, and neither do Narconon™ or Criminon™.

Audit THIS You Bastard!

What are your crimes!

What are your crimes!

Your crime would be missing tonight's episode of the BBC show, Panorama on the "Church". Look for links to it on xenutv.com or on YouTube.

UPDATE:
I just saw the show. The clams look like fucking lunatics, especially Ann Archer's maniac son. The $cienos are like tragic keystone cops with their detectives and minivans squealing away from the scene. Sweeny was incredibly patient with them in my opinion. They looked SO bad it was good. A veritable footbullet Uzi.

Xenu's New Job . . . Cult Apologist

Dazed and confused about how to deal with all the entheta on the 'net, $cientology has redirected xenu.tv yet again to this rather lame rebuttal site. As usual, they are spinning madly (like their founder in his grave) to cover up all misdeeds and many of the just plain dumb things that Hubbard wrote or said .

There are several outright lies like . . .

"I do not know any Scientologist who believes Jesus Christ didn't exist. Each individual Scientologists (sic) belief in Christ is personal to them. There is no Church of Scientology doctrine instructing one how to view Christ."

We've all heard Hubbard say, in his own words, on Scientology's own tapes . . . "the man on the cross . . . there was no christ".

I notice that they do the usual dodge and feint around the whole Xenu question. Body Thetans are space cooties that you get rid of with Auditing. Period.

I almost feel sorry for them. Imagine watching your carefully crafted money machine slowly grinding to a halt as more and more people find out that it was all a big con created by a megalomaniac. Li'l Davy's Navy is taking on water fast.

Carl Sagan + Irwin Allen + Droopy + Xenu = Ron Savelo

In his Super Duper Real Scientist™ lair (which looks suspiciously like the Jupiter 2), Ron hosts Episode 7 of his hit television show, "This Old Thetan" . . .

"As you can see, this yooman brain has billions and billions of cells. It is yooooge . . . and kinda gross. Somebody get me a towel . . . eeew, this is all gushy."

Once again, L. Ron "what's all the hubbub . . . bub" Hubbard is proven to be a genius, the greatest mind of all time and yoomankind's greatest friend.

$cientology Gay Lovefest 2006

Thanks to Tom Cruise's year of living insanely, and the outstanding work of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the loopier tenets of $cientology have now become fairly common knowledge. Xenu, body Thetans, and the Eeeeeevil Psychs have popped out of the cult closet and into our pop culture. The "Church" is spinning madly to counter the freakier aspects of $cientology's scriptures, often simply lying about Hubbard's insane ramblings. I've heard Mike Rinder actually deny that there are any extraterrestrial elements to $cientology and yet I've found them in Hubbard's books. I've heard them say that you can be any religion and be a $cientologist yet there is Hubbard on the Philadelphia Lecture tapes uttering the phrase ". . . the man on the cross, there was no Christ . . ." And so it is with Hubbard's rampant homophobia. They completely deny any proscription of homosexuality even though it is in print in Hubbard's own infallible words.

Well I found this creepy little exchange between $cienos on the cult apologist site beliefnet rather revealing. They refer to the the "Clear Rainbow" group and the special West Hollywood gay edition of Hubbard's omnipresent pamphlet "The Way to Happiness". Their attempt to spin Hubbard's intolerant ignorance is hilarious. Some of them work valiantly to make it okay to be a gay $cientologist. This results in a rather liberal "pick and choose" interpretation of Elron's works, a major no-no in $cientology.

Here's an example of their forward thinking on homosexuality straight from the horse's er, mouth . . .
"Yes indeed arc-krc the PL deals with the way orgs handle the 2D and the tech of dealing with the 2D. But It does not give legitimacy to the homosexual "life style" in any way. Homosexuals can recieve auditing and may also join staff there's no argument there. But the homosexuals out-2D will be addressed by the technology. After they recieve the technology {auditing ect..} they will no longer have homosexual urges."

If you can get past the nearly impenetrable abbreviations and jargon, the whole thread is enlightening in a creepy kind of way. At one point in the exchange they cheerily decide the gays are "ok" and all that "out ethics" stuff probably referred only to 1950's homos. Mmmmm hmmmm. Then the somewhat fundamentalist Zero-1 pops back quoting all of the Hubbard anti-gay stuff and finishes with . . .
"I truley (sic) hope that I dont offend anyone here. But the tech is exact and it doesnt (sic) vary." Scientology evidently doesn't help with spelling. But he's right as far as the orthodoxy goes, Hubbard's tech is NEVER supposed to vary, nor is it ever to be considered flawed in any way for ever and ever amen. At least until Miscavige changes it to better suit the times. If the gay community had existed as a major financial force in the 50's, Elron would've been all over us to sign up.

As the thread progresses it becomes a big ol' Gay OT lovefest. The lavender $cientologists come out of the woodwork cheerfully and politely confronting the fundamentalist (called zero-1), who valiantly insists on the infallibility and unchangeability of Hubbard's work. The fact is that ol' Lafayette contradicted himself constantly throughout the years, but I guess when you're busy filling your books with all kinds of crazy shit like evil alien warlords, DC-8 spaceships, gorillas, cherubs, weepy clams, cannibalistic cavemen and hapless sloths and about a million rules and regulations you're bound to have a few inconsistencies.

So that's why she's so tough . . .

Our spies in the Klingon Empire have informed us of the true identity of $cientology's star litigator, Helena Kobrin . . . or should I say Kobrina Duras. Sisters Lursa and Betor have not made statements as to the veracity of this image.

$cientology is going nowhere . . .

When asked about the long term prospects for her beloved $cientology, the plucky Jenna Elfman was quoted in an interview with The Man Room as saying ". . . Scientology is going nowhere". For once, we couldn't agree more.

Here's an out-take:

TMR: Obviously Scientology is a widely discussed topic all over the Internet right now; especially with the whole Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes situation, so do you think Scientology is getting a black mark from bad publicity due to all the hype surrounding it?

JE: It’s temporary, it helps people. You can research through the ages and see anything good that helps people has been attacked. Scientology is going nowhere. I will tell you that right now, because it works and so many people are helped by it. The people who have been helped aren’t going anywhere because they know it’s true for them. They have integrity about that, and I don’t think it’s being given a black mark. It’s like a dot in history. It’s nothing.

Evidently $cientology doesn't help with stringing together coherent thoughts to make a point.