Things I Wish I'd Thought Of: Nº234

Man, this site is hilarious. Not since the great Lana Diane has there been such a great $cientology parody site.

Li'l Davy, Life of the Party!

Evidently Fearless Leader David Miscavige is no ball of fire on the dance floor. At the big recruitment, er . . . I mean welcome party for Becks and Old Spice hosted by Dr. Goebbels and his warbride, the Commodore evidently sat out most of the cupcake-fueled festivities . . . creepy indeed.

Xenu . . . The Musical!

I am so stoked. The lucky folks attending Scotland's Edinburgh Fringe Festival are going to be treated to what will certainly be the toast of Teegeeack's 2007 theatrical season . . . Xenu Is Loose!

I really hope they write Goaty™ into the script to reflect the founding events of the Church of Xenu Ascendant of the Latter Day Thetans™ . . . no, really. . . I'm a prophet . . . I'm going to freekin' make MILLLIONS!!!

Xenu and his pal . . . Goaty!

In the tradition of Prophets throughout time, I have received new scriptures for $cientology's canon. Muhammad got the Q'uran from the archangel Gabriel, Joseph Smith got his magic glasses and plates from the angel Moroni, but my new $cientology scriptures came from down below . . . they came from my dog, the holy pughuahua.

It began, as these things do, on an ordinary day . . . doing ordinary things. I was strolling through the 'hood last week and I noticed that my dog had picked up a strange object that he was guarding jealously, it was a small plastic figure I knew in a flash of blinding light represented Xenu of Marcab. I was stunned. Such revelations usually involve some burning shrubbery or at least a talking salamander, but mine came suddenly and and unexpectedly through my demi-pug prophet.

As the now holy dog released the precious statuette to my trembling hand, I noticed that he was already on the hunt for something else. Possessed, as if by some invisible force, he pulled mightily at the leash heading right for Mrs. Bordenaro's temptingly lush lawn. This usually means he's about to drop one of his nasty little acid-green steamers on the sidewalk . . . but not this time. Possessed by unseen forces, he lunged under a juniper bush and emerged proudly carrying a small, plastic farm animal, and suddenly, I knew who's awful visage I gazed upon . . . and I swear to you, this really happened, my little dog laid the figurine at my feet and spoke to me in a voice reminiscent of Mercedes McCambridge on helium, "Behold Goaty the Terrible, companion of Xenu and slayer of untold billions!" To be honest, I nearly shat my knickers.

Later that night, I was filled with an urgent, burning desire (to be honest, it may have been Mrs. Wu's totally flamin' Kung Pao chicken I had for lunch). I worked feverishly into the wee hours, scanning the holy action figures into Photoshop™, awakening the next morning to to discover that I had created the first portrait of Xenu and Goaty together in Xenu's electronic mountain trap.

Tremble mortals, tremble.

Happy Art™

Imagine the world with only "happy" artists. Evidently the owner of London's A Gallery has. No Francis Bacon. No Pollock. No Van Gough. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not wish a miserable life on anyone, even if it was packed with creativity. Should someone seek help if they're addicted or depressed? Certainly. Great artists like Bacon and Pollock, had they sought help for their woes, might have created even greater masterpieces as a result of that process. At least they might have lived longer to produce more work.

My contempt for L. Ron Hubbard and his "work" is seemingly inexhaustible—but I reserve special contempt for his quack antidrug/anticrime "therapies" which are totally unproven by any peer-reviewed process. His insane paranoia of all things psychiatric certainly didn't stop him from stealing liberally from Freud, Jung and other pioneers of psychiatry. Unfortunately he was just a hack writer, so the ultimate effect of his cribbing functional therapeutic ideas was analogous to stealing a few parts of a 747 and expecting to ferry 400 people across the Atlantic with them. Your "plane" wouldn't fly, and neither do Narconon™ or Criminon™.

Audit THIS You Bastard!

What are your crimes!

What are your crimes!

Your crime would be missing tonight's episode of the BBC show, Panorama on the "Church". Look for links to it on xenutv.com or on YouTube.

UPDATE:
I just saw the show. The clams look like fucking lunatics, especially Ann Archer's maniac son. The $cienos are like tragic keystone cops with their detectives and minivans squealing away from the scene. Sweeny was incredibly patient with them in my opinion. They looked SO bad it was good. A veritable footbullet Uzi.

Xenu's New Job . . . Cult Apologist

Dazed and confused about how to deal with all the entheta on the 'net, $cientology has redirected xenu.tv yet again to this rather lame rebuttal site. As usual, they are spinning madly (like their founder in his grave) to cover up all misdeeds and many of the just plain dumb things that Hubbard wrote or said .

There are several outright lies like . . .

"I do not know any Scientologist who believes Jesus Christ didn't exist. Each individual Scientologists (sic) belief in Christ is personal to them. There is no Church of Scientology doctrine instructing one how to view Christ."

We've all heard Hubbard say, in his own words, on Scientology's own tapes . . . "the man on the cross . . . there was no christ".

I notice that they do the usual dodge and feint around the whole Xenu question. Body Thetans are space cooties that you get rid of with Auditing. Period.

I almost feel sorry for them. Imagine watching your carefully crafted money machine slowly grinding to a halt as more and more people find out that it was all a big con created by a megalomaniac. Li'l Davy's Navy is taking on water fast.

Carl Sagan + Irwin Allen + Droopy + Xenu = Ron Savelo

In his Super Duper Real Scientist™ lair (which looks suspiciously like the Jupiter 2), Ron hosts Episode 7 of his hit television show, "This Old Thetan" . . .

"As you can see, this yooman brain has billions and billions of cells. It is yooooge . . . and kinda gross. Somebody get me a towel . . . eeew, this is all gushy."

Once again, L. Ron "what's all the hubbub . . . bub" Hubbard is proven to be a genius, the greatest mind of all time and yoomankind's greatest friend.

$cientology Gay Lovefest 2006

Thanks to Tom Cruise's year of living insanely, and the outstanding work of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the loopier tenets of $cientology have now become fairly common knowledge. Xenu, body Thetans, and the Eeeeeevil Psychs have popped out of the cult closet and into our pop culture. The "Church" is spinning madly to counter the freakier aspects of $cientology's scriptures, often simply lying about Hubbard's insane ramblings. I've heard Mike Rinder actually deny that there are any extraterrestrial elements to $cientology and yet I've found them in Hubbard's books. I've heard them say that you can be any religion and be a $cientologist yet there is Hubbard on the Philadelphia Lecture tapes uttering the phrase ". . . the man on the cross, there was no Christ . . ." And so it is with Hubbard's rampant homophobia. They completely deny any proscription of homosexuality even though it is in print in Hubbard's own infallible words.

Well I found this creepy little exchange between $cienos on the cult apologist site beliefnet rather revealing. They refer to the the "Clear Rainbow" group and the special West Hollywood gay edition of Hubbard's omnipresent pamphlet "The Way to Happiness". Their attempt to spin Hubbard's intolerant ignorance is hilarious. Some of them work valiantly to make it okay to be a gay $cientologist. This results in a rather liberal "pick and choose" interpretation of Elron's works, a major no-no in $cientology.

Here's an example of their forward thinking on homosexuality straight from the horse's er, mouth . . .
"Yes indeed arc-krc the PL deals with the way orgs handle the 2D and the tech of dealing with the 2D. But It does not give legitimacy to the homosexual "life style" in any way. Homosexuals can recieve auditing and may also join staff there's no argument there. But the homosexuals out-2D will be addressed by the technology. After they recieve the technology {auditing ect..} they will no longer have homosexual urges."

If you can get past the nearly impenetrable abbreviations and jargon, the whole thread is enlightening in a creepy kind of way. At one point in the exchange they cheerily decide the gays are "ok" and all that "out ethics" stuff probably referred only to 1950's homos. Mmmmm hmmmm. Then the somewhat fundamentalist Zero-1 pops back quoting all of the Hubbard anti-gay stuff and finishes with . . .
"I truley (sic) hope that I dont offend anyone here. But the tech is exact and it doesnt (sic) vary." Scientology evidently doesn't help with spelling. But he's right as far as the orthodoxy goes, Hubbard's tech is NEVER supposed to vary, nor is it ever to be considered flawed in any way for ever and ever amen. At least until Miscavige changes it to better suit the times. If the gay community had existed as a major financial force in the 50's, Elron would've been all over us to sign up.

As the thread progresses it becomes a big ol' Gay OT lovefest. The lavender $cientologists come out of the woodwork cheerfully and politely confronting the fundamentalist (called zero-1), who valiantly insists on the infallibility and unchangeability of Hubbard's work. The fact is that ol' Lafayette contradicted himself constantly throughout the years, but I guess when you're busy filling your books with all kinds of crazy shit like evil alien warlords, DC-8 spaceships, gorillas, cherubs, weepy clams, cannibalistic cavemen and hapless sloths and about a million rules and regulations you're bound to have a few inconsistencies.

So that's why she's so tough . . .

Our spies in the Klingon Empire have informed us of the true identity of $cientology's star litigator, Helena Kobrin . . . or should I say Kobrina Duras. Sisters Lursa and Betor have not made statements as to the veracity of this image.

$cientology is going nowhere . . .

When asked about the long term prospects for her beloved $cientology, the plucky Jenna Elfman was quoted in an interview with The Man Room as saying ". . . Scientology is going nowhere". For once, we couldn't agree more.

Here's an out-take:

TMR: Obviously Scientology is a widely discussed topic all over the Internet right now; especially with the whole Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes situation, so do you think Scientology is getting a black mark from bad publicity due to all the hype surrounding it?

JE: It’s temporary, it helps people. You can research through the ages and see anything good that helps people has been attacked. Scientology is going nowhere. I will tell you that right now, because it works and so many people are helped by it. The people who have been helped aren’t going anywhere because they know it’s true for them. They have integrity about that, and I don’t think it’s being given a black mark. It’s like a dot in history. It’s nothing.

Evidently $cientology doesn't help with stringing together coherent thoughts to make a point.