Friday, June 01, 2007

Xenu and his pal . . . Goaty!

In the tradition of Prophets throughout time, I have received new scriptures for $cientology's canon. Muhammad got the Q'uran from the archangel Gabriel, Joseph Smith got his magic glasses and plates from the angel Moroni, but my new $cientology scriptures came from down below . . . they came from my dog, the holy pughuahua.

It began, as these things do, on an ordinary day . . . doing ordinary things. I was strolling through the 'hood last week and I noticed that my dog had picked up a strange object that he was guarding jealously, it was a small plastic figure I knew in a flash of blinding light represented Xenu of Marcab. I was stunned. Such revelations usually involve some burning shrubbery or at least a talking salamander, but mine came suddenly and and unexpectedly through my demi-pug prophet.

As the now holy dog released the precious statuette to my trembling hand, I noticed that he was already on the hunt for something else. Possessed, as if by some invisible force, he pulled mightily at the leash heading right for Mrs. Bordenaro's temptingly lush lawn. This usually means he's about to drop one of his nasty little acid-green steamers on the sidewalk . . . but not this time. Possessed by unseen forces, he lunged under a juniper bush and emerged proudly carrying a small, plastic farm animal, and suddenly, I knew who's awful visage I gazed upon . . . and I swear to you, this really happened, my little dog laid the figurine at my feet and spoke to me in a voice reminiscent of Mercedes McCambridge on helium, "Behold Goaty the Terrible, companion of Xenu and slayer of untold billions!" To be honest, I nearly shat my knickers.

Later that night, I was filled with an urgent, burning desire (to be honest, it may have been Mrs. Wu's totally flamin' Kung Pao chicken I had for lunch). I worked feverishly into the wee hours, scanning the holy action figures into Photoshop™, awakening the next morning to to discover that I had created the first portrait of Xenu and Goaty together in Xenu's electronic mountain trap.

Tremble mortals, tremble.

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