$cientology Gay Lovefest 2006

Thanks to Tom Cruise's year of living insanely, and the outstanding work of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the loopier tenets of $cientology have now become fairly common knowledge. Xenu, body Thetans, and the Eeeeeevil Psychs have popped out of the cult closet and into our pop culture. The "Church" is spinning madly to counter the freakier aspects of $cientology's scriptures, often simply lying about Hubbard's insane ramblings. I've heard Mike Rinder actually deny that there are any extraterrestrial elements to $cientology and yet I've found them in Hubbard's books. I've heard them say that you can be any religion and be a $cientologist yet there is Hubbard on the Philadelphia Lecture tapes uttering the phrase ". . . the man on the cross, there was no Christ . . ." And so it is with Hubbard's rampant homophobia. They completely deny any proscription of homosexuality even though it is in print in Hubbard's own infallible words.

Well I found this creepy little exchange between $cienos on the cult apologist site beliefnet rather revealing. They refer to the the "Clear Rainbow" group and the special West Hollywood gay edition of Hubbard's omnipresent pamphlet "The Way to Happiness". Their attempt to spin Hubbard's intolerant ignorance is hilarious. Some of them work valiantly to make it okay to be a gay $cientologist. This results in a rather liberal "pick and choose" interpretation of Elron's works, a major no-no in $cientology.

Here's an example of their forward thinking on homosexuality straight from the horse's er, mouth . . .
"Yes indeed arc-krc the PL deals with the way orgs handle the 2D and the tech of dealing with the 2D. But It does not give legitimacy to the homosexual "life style" in any way. Homosexuals can recieve auditing and may also join staff there's no argument there. But the homosexuals out-2D will be addressed by the technology. After they recieve the technology {auditing ect..} they will no longer have homosexual urges."

If you can get past the nearly impenetrable abbreviations and jargon, the whole thread is enlightening in a creepy kind of way. At one point in the exchange they cheerily decide the gays are "ok" and all that "out ethics" stuff probably referred only to 1950's homos. Mmmmm hmmmm. Then the somewhat fundamentalist Zero-1 pops back quoting all of the Hubbard anti-gay stuff and finishes with . . .
"I truley (sic) hope that I dont offend anyone here. But the tech is exact and it doesnt (sic) vary." Scientology evidently doesn't help with spelling. But he's right as far as the orthodoxy goes, Hubbard's tech is NEVER supposed to vary, nor is it ever to be considered flawed in any way for ever and ever amen. At least until Miscavige changes it to better suit the times. If the gay community had existed as a major financial force in the 50's, Elron would've been all over us to sign up.

As the thread progresses it becomes a big ol' Gay OT lovefest. The lavender $cientologists come out of the woodwork cheerfully and politely confronting the fundamentalist (called zero-1), who valiantly insists on the infallibility and unchangeability of Hubbard's work. The fact is that ol' Lafayette contradicted himself constantly throughout the years, but I guess when you're busy filling your books with all kinds of crazy shit like evil alien warlords, DC-8 spaceships, gorillas, cherubs, weepy clams, cannibalistic cavemen and hapless sloths and about a million rules and regulations you're bound to have a few inconsistencies.

So that's why she's so tough . . .

Our spies in the Klingon Empire have informed us of the true identity of $cientology's star litigator, Helena Kobrin . . . or should I say Kobrina Duras. Sisters Lursa and Betor have not made statements as to the veracity of this image.

$cientology is going nowhere . . .

When asked about the long term prospects for her beloved $cientology, the plucky Jenna Elfman was quoted in an interview with The Man Room as saying ". . . Scientology is going nowhere". For once, we couldn't agree more.

Here's an out-take:

TMR: Obviously Scientology is a widely discussed topic all over the Internet right now; especially with the whole Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes situation, so do you think Scientology is getting a black mark from bad publicity due to all the hype surrounding it?

JE: It’s temporary, it helps people. You can research through the ages and see anything good that helps people has been attacked. Scientology is going nowhere. I will tell you that right now, because it works and so many people are helped by it. The people who have been helped aren’t going anywhere because they know it’s true for them. They have integrity about that, and I don’t think it’s being given a black mark. It’s like a dot in history. It’s nothing.

Evidently $cientology doesn't help with stringing together coherent thoughts to make a point.